ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER

There is a history of depression in my family.  I don’t know how far back it goes.  My great-grandfather committed suicide.  My grandpa was quite stoic but now that I am older it is so easy to see that he struggled with depression.  My dad has also had his problems  going back further than I can remember and a few years ago spent some months in hospitalization due to that ambiguous disease.  Of course, that leaves me as next in line.

I never paid much attention to much of anything as a kid but as a teenager, I must have recognized that I had some issues.    It’s funny because it is so hard to recognize deficiencies in yourself but I began to self medicate like a madman.  I drank heavily several times a week.  I experimented with recreational drugs.  I basically numbed myself out to a point where I feel it altered my reality.  I had really lost touch with my self and my emotions.  That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t on an emotional roller coaster.  I was.  I would experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.  I loved it and I hated it.

Eventually, I suppose I matured a bit.  I got out of the party scene.  I got a decent job.  I got married and had kids.  I did a lot better than the high school guidance counselors ever imagined but you don’t go through a life like that without scars.  I think I was emotionally stunted because I had ignored what was going on inside my body and my head for a really long time.  I really had no idea how to live life or how to handle problems.  I tried to figure it all out and basically lived by the mantra, “fake it ‘til you make it.”  I suppose that it worked out ok.  I became more even keeled.  I didn’t have the super ups and mega downs anymore but I still felt lost.

Running changed a lot of that.  I had always been a runner…just not a consistent one.  Finally, four years ago at the ripe old age of 39 I made a commitment to change.  I committed to running.  I started slow but stuck with it and began to make big strides…not just in the physical sense but things started changing upstairs too.  Until that point, I don’t really believe I had much purpose in life.  Yes, I was a good dad and husband, but I think that was it….other than that I was just a dude that watched a lot of sports on tv and drank too much beer.

Running gave me purpose.  It gave me goals to aspire to.  I started to gain the confidence that I didn’t even realize I didn’t have.  I began to care less about the people in my life that didn’t matter and more about the people that did.  Mostly I think it opened up the doors to understanding who I really am.

Annnnnnnnnnnd…that brings us around to the whole point of today’s ramblings.  The last six months have not been the best for me on the mental health level.  I have been low.  Various events at the end of last year took their toll on me and I just couldn’t climb out of my hole.  I have been trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other in both life and my running and it has been working out.  Finally, last week seemed to be a difference maker.  The nasty cold winter broke and brought some nice spring air into my life.  Some pressurized work situations came to a head.  I had a couple of good heart-to-heart discussions with my wife.  And I finally had a good running week….my first in what seems like forever.  Five days of running in one week and a decent looking 35 miles.

While running those miles, I gave a lot of thought to how thankful I was for starting to feel a bit more “myself.”  I thought back to times in my life weren’t going well and how I had just mentally packed it in and how this time was different.  I soldiered through.  I made sure to get out at least once or twice a week to run and blow off a little steam despite the horrid weather.  Best of all, I knew that things would get better.  I know it is only a beginning but that is where everything starts.  I truly am convinced that running has helped me to become more mentally balanced and more prepared to handle the obstacles that life has been known to put before us…and I am thankful.