IN THE WAKE OF TRAGEDY

I used to be involved in one of those social media sites.  I would post my running stats for the day and then write endlessly about whatever came to mind.  It was kind of like my own little blog that had zero form but, because my running stats were entered, it was running-based writing.  Eventually, I decided to quit that site.  There were reasons that I won’t go into here but I really do miss that free form sort of diary-ish writing that I had done there.  So I started this blog…which so far, has been kind of lacking…lacking in regularity and lacking in direction.  At first I had lofty ambitions of turning my blog into an all encompassing runner’s blog that was full of fresh insight and ground breaking ideas.  I guess I finally just realize that I am a regular runner who puts in what miles he can and just enjoys the fuck out of it. 

So maybe, once again, my “blog” (in quotations because I don’t believe it has earned the distinction of blogness yet) may be changing directions.  Maybe this is an extension of what I once wrote about…running and life and just trying to become a better person as I go along.  I like to write because, as the words get typed onto the screen, I start to get a better idea of how I truly feel about a subject.  Unfortunately, what I am writing about today is horrible but I need to get it down so that I can begin to process it better.

 Life is full of tragic events.  My life is no different.  Early Monday morning we got a phone call from my wife’s best friend.  Her son had killed himself.  I feel numb and sick just writing it down.  He snuffed out his own life at the age of twenty.  I won’t go into details about anything except to say he was a really nice kid and came from a really nice family.  I don’t know what caused him to become so hopeless that he would do this and I doubt that anyone will ever really know.  All that is left is the aftermath.

That horrible aftermath.  The clean up of a life taken and everything else left in shambles.  A family left to pick up the pieces and try to carry on.  I honestly don’t know how people do it.  How do you move on and recover from something like that?  Do you stay in the family home because everything you remember about your kid happened there?  Or is the memory to hurtful to bear – looking at the living room where he opened his Christmas gifts or the kitchen where he consumed a thousand meals?  I would be a wreck and I don’t know if I could ever stop being a wreck.

In all events I try to take lessons.  I try to look at every tragedy as an opportunity to become a better person, every bad day as a way to treat the good days with the respect and reverence that they deserve.  After hearing the news, my wife immediately went to go help out with whatever she could.  I stayed at home with my kids.  I told them what happened…and I told them I loved them…and I told them that no matter how hopeless things may seem, that I would always be there for them – to help see them through to better days.  And then I hugged them like I could never let them go…because I just can’t.

Every time my life is struck with the death of someone I know, I can’t help but think about the lives we lead.  They are short and seem to pass by in a flash if we let them.  Despite my sadness for our friends and their family, I just can’t help but want to grab onto the reigns of life even more tightly and ride it for all it’s worth.  In the wake of disaster, I just want to hold my family and friends close and appreciate what a gift life truly is.

This is the second time that a suicide has impacted my life directly.  The first time was a friend that I had worked with.  He had quit his job and had told me that he was starting a new job in a couple of weeks.  The next I heard, he and his girlfriend had killed themselves.  We weren’t super close but it had a huge impact on my life.  I just couldn’t understand how someone could do it.  I couldn’t understand how things get so bad that suicide is the only answer and I couldn’t understand how somebody could leave their family behind to wonder what they could have done differently.  Now I am older.  It has been over 20 years ago since my friend and his girlfriend killed themselves.  I still don’t understand how someone can do this to themselves and to their families.  But I suppose I have become more empathetic over the years…instead of feeling angry and confused, I just feel sad.  I get that there is disease that affects the mind instead of the body and I get that the warning signs aren’t always there.  I understand that relationships are a delicate balance and I know that easy answers are rare.  In the case of this most recent suicide I know that the parents were reaching out to their son and trying to help them but they didn’t know the depths of the darkness that he was enveloped in.  I know that they are probably questioning themselves but I honestly don’t think the answer is there…some events just can’t be stopped.  I think this was one of them.

So where is the lesson?  There has to be something else besides death making me want to embrace life.  There is – there is so much more.  It serves as a reminder that everyone walks a different path.  We never know what others are going through.  Maybe a co-worker is experiencing depression.  Maybe the person who serves your Starbuck’s coffee just lost a loved one.  Maybe the paper boy is being bullied at school.  We just don’t know what it is like in someone else’s shoes.  I really do try to be compassionate towards others but it is tragic events such as these that really drive home the importance.  Showing a little love towards our fellow humans can go a long way.